look around

i went to the library today for story time. i was crossing the parking lot toward the entrance and a man came stride for stride with me also making his way to the land of endless knowledge. when i take the boys anywhere i become a u-haul. i had ty in the stroller, wyatt, holding the handle of the stroller so he wouldn't run loose into on coming traffic, and three bags, totaling my body weight, hanging off of me. as we got closer to the door i assumed the man would see my struggles and kindly open both doors for me, as many have in the past.
as we approach the entrance the man veered off to the left and went in the left side door, leaving me to fend for myself. by the time i had managed to open both library entrances and maneuver my u-haul through the doors the man had a movie in his hand and was striding to the service desk to check out. i then realized why he didn't help me; he was too concerned with himself. he was so focused on his task that he didn't see the need of those around him.
i began to think about my own life. am i too focused on surviving life with too little ones that i don't take the time to help someone in need. isn't that what the holiday season is about? We remember when God gave his perfect present, the ultimate sacrifice of his only Son. If He can sacrificially give that much, the least i can do is give up a second of my time to listen to someone who's hurting or open the door for an elderly person, or give food to someone who's hungry.
there are so many hurting and struggling people in the world today but often we are too focused, too consumed with the busy, insane lives that we created and like the religious leaders who looked at the robbed, beaten Samaritan, we walk by. every morning our daily creed should be may another hurting soul not go unnoticed. look around because your provision could be someones necessity.

a little sparkle

this past may a friend gave me a necklace for my birthday called what's in your heart. the necklace is a silver, clear, open heart with room to put symbols that represent what is in your heart. mine has a w, and t (for the boys initials), a small red heart that says love my boys, and the boys birthstones, garnet and opal. i love this necklace and i practically wear it everyday. but today wyatt happened to it.
since i take my jewelry off where ever i am instead of putting it in the jewelry box, i laid it on dresser and went about my day. as i was changing for bed i glanced down at the necklace and noticed that all the symbols were gone. wyatt had opened the locket and decided to play with the items inside. i looked down on the floor and found them all but the garnet. like a csi agent looking for clues, i got my flashlight and started crawling on the floor searching for this red stone. i knew that when the light hit the stone it would shine and my search would be over.
then God hit me with the end of his mag light. people in the world today are searching. they're searching for love, meaning, purpose, value, a reason to explain why we are here. when a seekers flashlight hits you the light of Christ should be glistening so bright they'll have to pull out their sunglasses just to keep looking. the church is full of nominal Christians that when light hits them nothing is reflected back. that is what the world finds so confusing. true believers in Christ need to be consistently brighter than the rest of the world so seekers will know the difference between nominal and the real deal. when the seeker sees Christ reflected they will know their search is over because now they have true meaning and purpose.
so the questions are when hit with a light will you shine? if so how bright are you shining?

to write or not to write

lately the boys have kept me so hopping i've had to drink my coffee during scrubs at bath time. the days have left my brain a pile oatmeal. it's only going to get worse as the holidays are coming and family is traveling in. i'm excited to hang with my bro and do some sight seeing with them. all this to say i have no idea when a coherent blog will come. maybe in 18 yrs........

smile

once again the world has ceased to amaze me, with yet another act of useless violence. society is filled with murder, greed, selfishness, anger, and just plain ugliness. it's the effects of the fall but we don't have adapt the attitude and be in a constant state of depression and despair. with all the nastiness surrounding us how do we keep a positive outlook? the answer is found in one simple word and act; smile.
what is a smile? once again webster's came to the rescue and gave me several responses. in it's intransitive verb state is means: to have or take on a facial expression showing usually pleasure, amusement, affection, friendliness, etc., or, sometimes, irony, derision, etc. and characterized by an upward curving of the corners of the mouth and a sparkling of the eyes. in the transitive verb meaning is reads: to change or affect by smiling. so what does all this dictionary smart talk mean?
it tells how simple a smile is. just curving the corners of the mouth. it doesn't take great effort or time to do it. it also shows how much it does and it's power to change. it changes someones whole facial expression including the eyes. the eyes can tell someone's story without the lips uttering a word. in a smile the eyes sparkle which creates light that hits those around them. it also changes and affects attitudes. have you ever been in awful mood and then heard a joke or someone gave you a smile? suddenly you forgot why you were angry, sad, grumpy, lonely or irritated.
one of my favorite things to do is to make someone laugh or smile. it's my way of helping them forget about their situation, even if it's just for a minute. as believers we have all the reason in the world to smile! i don't believe Jesus walked around with a frown on his face, and we shouldn't either. the world needs to wonder why we are smiling despite of war, low economy, homelessness, hunger, and violence. smiles have a boomerang effect. you can't give a smile without it instantly coming back to and slapping you right back in the face.
there are so many sad things in the world today that smiles don't happen often. so the questions of the day is what makes you smile? and look at it. who can i make smile? and do it.

oh mind where are thou?

when i found out i was pregnant with wyatt i read all i could and got advice from seasoned moms and the d word kept coming up. not dad, doula, or diapers but dumb. i was being warned that pregnancy hormones makes you dumb and stupid so beware and take every precaution possible. i laughed in the face of advice and went about my business of getting round and preparing a baby room, until......
i went to giant food to buy groceries like i had done a gozillion times before. after the nice lady checked all my items i swiped my debit card as quickly as doc holiday draws his gun, and the machine flashed 3 little letters p-i-n. i stared at those letters like it was a quantum physics problem. after several failed attempts i had to come to the realization that my 4-digit pin was lost in the abyss of hormonal stupidity.
the hormones attacked every hemisphere of my brain leaving no room for further damage with my second pregnancy. the addition of ty did bring on a different type of forgetfulness and stupidity. i shall call it double kid-nesia. double kid-nesia is when two or more kids stress the brain and other body parts to forgetfulness, confusion and exhaustion.
there have been times where i have found coffee cups in the linen closet. i couldn't remember the name of the road i was on, which led to me to wonder if i was really on a road at all. i have entered the walmart check out questioning if all the things i had put in the cart were still there. i have gone back into the grocery store and walmart multiply times hunting for left behind, in the chaos, personal effects. my arms have put ads in the paper requesting alternate residence because their current one is more like a sweatshop than a two bedroom, plush carpet, balcony, over looking the ocean condo. i have had to sit and try to remember if i have brushed my teeth, eaten or peed.
at the end of the day the daily chores and tasks of dealing with two little ones turns my brain into oatmeal. but there are a few things i do know and will never forget. i know i was created to be a mom. i do know that i will always love them with an indescribable love. my arms will never be too tired to hold and comfort. i also know that laughing is the best medicine for any boo boo and foul attitude. i will never forget the feeling and emotion i felt when i saw and held them for the first time. i know i have to rely on the Lords strength everyday to get me through everyday. i know it's an undeserved privilege to have these little men. i know it's a gigantic task to raise them in the Lord and to teach them to be His warriors. i also know that i am insanely and incredibly blessed.
i have no clue if i'm coming or going, in or out, frontwards, backwards, sideways or somewhere in between. but i do know without a shadow of a doubt, they are worth a few brain cells.

significance

significance. what is it and how is it defined and who defines it for a person? simple as they come, i turned to webster's to look for a definition. there is states : the quality of being important.
i was faced with the definition and idea of importance last night when i opened my email. i had applied for various freelance positions and i had received another rejection. (at least this time the company had the courtesy to email back.) as i set dejected i began to ask myself why i was feeling this way. it all boiled down to significance.
i wanted someone else other than my family, because they are supposed to, say i was important. to tell me i had a skill, a gift and their company couldn't survive a second longer without my unique ability. my caring husband began to talk me into a calmer state and made me realize what true significance is.
significance is not defined by a skill or talent or the amount you might get paid to preform that skill everyday. it's not defined by education and how many degrees may be hanging on the wall. it's not defined by sport or music accolades that sit on the shelves and eventually collect dust. significance is defined by the lives you touch.
my role in life now is not to be a writer but a mom and not just a mom but a really good mom. unfortunately there are plenty of bad ones in the world today and being a good mom is hard to achieve. it's a daily goal that has to be reached and surpassed.
i'm also called to be a supportive wife. to make sure my husband's needs are met and that he feels loved and respected. to make the house a safe haven, a place where he can relax and unwind after an exhausting day.
another role i'm call to do is that of a servant. to serve those who may need help with kids, food, shelter, or a simple listening ear. what an amazing, hands-on lesson the boys and i can do together.
i have a job, a very important job; to be signifciant to by my husband, boys and the world around me. it's going to be tough dressing up like super heros, watching phineas and ferb, playing peek-a-boo, baking brownies for hungry youth, grilling steaks, and laughing at corney jokes but someone has to do it.

life story

today i'm bursting with emotion, both good and bad. both came together to create a kaleidoscope of feelings that i've never experienced before which made me reflect on things in my own life, including life.
this morning our dear friends had their first baby. knowing the induction was the night before i woke at 6 am with excitement wanting to know the latest update. looking on facebook (fb) i discovered that things were going slow. as the morning progressed the news took a worrisome bend. i began to pray and then the frailty of life hit me. God's hand is on every life before birth, during birth, and after birth, through out their life and he alone knows the number of hairs and number of days. he gives each one of us a birth and life story to exemplify his sovereignty.
My boys birth stories were completely night and day, black and white, different. one was late, one was early. with one i worked up until he was born, the other required bed rest. one was head down, the other was breeched. i began to think about their entries into the world and found that the common denominator was prayer. with all the doctor degrees, equipment, and nurses sometimes we forget who is really in control. without prayer me, you, my boys, your neighbor, coworker would not be here, period.
the phrase "when all else fails pray" just struck me as kind of crazy. why look to other things? why does prayer have to be the last resort? why do we attempt other things, make bigger messes out of the situation and then out of desperation pray? why isn't prayer the first thing we do?
little kaleb mcmillon made it into the world just fine thanks to the ultimate physician. he's story is one already written in the books. as pics were posted on fb and i saw his sweet, round cherub face, a sense of sadness came over me. i wish i could have been there to rejoice with my dear friends but the miles kept me from doing so. i found that it is possible to miss and long to see someone who has only been in world for an hour. then God reminded me that i was there, through prayer and i'm apart of kaleb's God story and can continue to be if i keep praying for him.
so i sit, reflecting, and asking you the same question i was faced with today; what is your God story?

1 Year Later!

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY TY!

Happy Birthday sweet boy! We love you so much!
Luv, Dad, Mom, and Wyatt

It has been a fast, wild and crazy year but our little man is so much fun and we are so blessed that God chose us to be his parents.

extend a little

tonight at christmas play practice my car got backed into. it was sitting in the parking lot and the back of a van and the front of my car, who must have caught each others headlights across the lot, decided to meet. it was love at first smash.
it was a complete accident; one that i know all too well. i have hit many cars and countless stationery objects. currently my side mirror is missing and there is a mailbox on old frederick road with no door and a dent in the side.
when i was told the news the first word that came to my mind was grace. you see, there was a grey honda parked in my driveway owned by one of my college students. as we backed out of the driveway destined for starbucks and a carmel latte, something stopped me.....it was her car. as we surveyed the damage my stomach dropped into my feet. i knew i couldn't afford to fix it.
we kept our plans, even though the latte didn't quite taste the same. as she left she told me "no worries." i knew i had to pay for my actions and i offered to give her a small amount in retribution. again she said, "no worries."several months later i saw her and her car had brand new clear, red taillights. she had fixed her car and i hadn't paid a penny.
as i remembered the incident i decided to do the same. then the thought hit me, if everyone extends grace to just one person and that person to another, and that person to another and so on, then there would be a lot less law suits, fights and resentment. just one act of grace could change the world. i know it changes the world to the person who receives it.

with a little help

halloween is in a few days, which is evident by all the ghosts, witches, and other goblin costumes you see in stores and out in peoples yards. the stephens family has their own set of costumes as well. rob and i are going to be homer and marge simpson. wyatt is the beast off of x-men and ty is baby spiderman. (yes, wyatt is a super hero nut and picked out his costume) it's going to be fun pretending you're someone else for a night. i'm thankful i don't have to go through life wearing the blue beehive hair because blue is just not my color. i also realized i don't have to be who i have been pretending to be.
ever since ty was born ,a year ago saturday, i have put on a superwoman/supermom suit. i believed that i could do it all. i could raise & keep up with two kids under 3, keep up this house, help in the youth, train for races, and save the planet from global warming all off of no sleep, and no help. i would rather take them to the grocery store and risk coming home with half my items and permanent banishment form the store, then ask for someone to watch them. i would rather drink a pot of coffee in the morning than ask rob to get up with ty in the middle of the night.
but then i got tired. very tired. too tired to be the wife and mom i need to be. it was a trip to the grocery store with both boys that did me in. i shall not write about the horrific inscident. even stephen king doesn't have the words to pen such an event. just trust me when i say it was bad. i came to the humbling fact i need help. so i asked. it wasn't that hard. and that is what we're here for.
we are put on this planet with other humans not just to stare at them, or ignore, or to get annoyed at. those things will happen because we are fallen humans. we are put here to help each other out. we are not meant to and can't make it alone. we need to ask one other to get on and ride this boat called life. through the calm waters and the crashing waves. yes, admitting you can't do everything is a charlie horse to the ego but asking has to be done to get through. the good thing about charlie horses is that they go away quickly. your ego will get over it. the stress of not getting help won't and the effects will catch up to you.
i still have to put on my superwoman cape so i can fly on step ahead of the boys, but i'm going to try and leave the whole suit in the closet. i might pull it out from time to time because i'm stubborn! plus someone else might need my superhero abilities.
so sing with me the joe cocker tune..."i get by with a little help from my friends."

cleaning house

so i'm taking a break from cleaning this nasty house. it was too the point that there were enough crumbs on the counter to make a meal. the dirty clothes mutated to life and had a battle of the stenches. the socks created a line of defense against the pants and some tragically didn't make it, which is why sometimes you only find the last brave one.
as i was vacuuming the ground up potato chips, dried pizza and cereal crumbs off the carpet, the phrase "cleanliness is next to godliness" kept coming to my mind. to be honest, i hate that phrase. i'm not a clean freak, everything in it's place kind of person. my philosophy in life is the bigger mess you make the more fun you have. often my living room is transformed into a fort with sheets drapped over chairs, pillows stacked to the ceiling and toys surrounding the perimeter, ready for the attack. sometimes it stays like that overnight because the battle was not won.
as the vacuum sucked up the potato chip and i heard it crunch in the belt, i began to understand the phrase. we can't be Godly with dust from our past, filth from current sin, and crumbs from guilt in our lives. i remembered several times in scripture where God talked about cleaning our hearts especially before we approach Him. How often times do i invite Him to hang out in a filthy house? Come on in and sit down but move the papers off the couch. Don't mind the pizza boxes on the floor; just step over them. Oh, that picture? just blow the dust off and i'll tell you about it. i don't treat my guest like that and the Father of all deserves much more. hebrews 10 promises that if we clean our hearts from all sin and guilt then we will be able to draw near to Him. i concluded that the only way to godliness is to clean. God deserves a clean seat.
i peered into the window of my heart's house and i decided that there is alot of cleaning that needs to be done. i know that my house is never going to be spotless, but i can work on keeping it tidy. i'm still amazed at a God who wants to hang out in my house, when often i want to condemned it for it's filth.
now, back to cleaning both houses........

rainy mood but promised sunshine

so i didn't post yesterday b/c i wasn't in the mood. it's been raining for 3 days and we've been inside climbing the walls. it's supposed to be sunny and warm for the rest of the week and i can't wait to bask in it (and get out of these 4 walls!)
my mood turned into that of the chilly cold rain when i looked at our bank account. the numbers aren't howard county, md worthy. worry of paying upcoming bills began to set in and my stomach transformed into a knot. the knot began to tighten as i read a status on fb. (this is why you dear blogger need to become my obsession.) fb becomes a mirror into someones soul and with each post and status you begin to figure out who a person truly is. this particular status made my soul weep.
with all these heavy things on my shoulder i tried to make the best of the day with my men. it's a rarity we get to spend a whole Saturday together and i didn't want my saddened mood to ruin it.
rob told me i had to run; it wasn't an option and i could choose between the rain or treadmill. in my college training days i would have chose outside. motherhood has caused me to prove my tenacity in other ways then getting soaked in 40 degree weather. reluctantly i went on the treadmill.
the heaviness of worry made my pace slow. as the belt turned, so did my mind. each thought seemed to fall at my feet, onto the belt and roll off the back of the platform. as my mind cleared i began to hear my answers.
yes, I will provide. (phil 4:19) you have never been without. yes, you are where you need to be. yes, the daily investment in the boys is far more important than a savings investment. yes, I will reveal myself, in my time.
without knowing it i was running faster than i had in months. the weight was gone. all that was left was an empty yoke. after catching my breathe i screamed as the father did in mark 9:24 "I do believe; help my unbelief."
i know that worry will set in again. i know my stomach will be in knots again. i also know i will ponder on them for half a day before taking them to the One who is faithful to answer. maybe i should add to the statement of mark father, help my unbelief and procrastination.

disappointment & attitude

today we were supposed to meet someone and play at jump zone. the boys were going to jump until their legs became spaghetti and they couldn't walk anymore. then we were going to go home, have lunch, then exhaustion would demand naps from all of us. but no.....
poop causes us to get out the door late, and the nasty, cold rain makes traffic slow, making the trip last longer. we get there 10 min after the place opens and there is a line out the door, spilling outside and winding down the ramp. within 10 min jz has reached its 75 kid limit and those are the people waiting to get in!! after finding my friend and telling her i had to go home, i left in a less than happy mood. wyatt was a little disappointed until i gave him two options; toys r us or drive back home and go visit a friend. he chose his friend and his disappointment vanished before we left the parking lot.
we played at his friends for an hr and he had a ball. it took me until after lunch to get out of my foul mood. God used my little man to teach me several lessons. one, His ways are not our ways (isaiah 55:8) yes, i had my day planned out and God is a fan of planning but i believe he's a bigger fan of flexibility. God's plans are perfect and he had a better day planned out for me. so far i've seen that, in watching him and rob wrestle on the bed, look up x-men videos on youtube, and watching my baby sleep.
he taught me about being excited about the other options in life. i fumed and fumed over the hassle of dragging both boys out in the nasty weather, fighting traffic, standing in the rain waiting to talk to my friend, wasting gas, etc......all the trivial inconviences. wyatt became excited about seeing his friend. my attitude was shaped by my circumstances, not the possibilities.
from now on i want to try and develop the attitude of a 3 yr old, when it comes to disappointment and quickly forget them so i can move on to bigger and better things. jz didn't happen but today's possibilities are endless. i forsee cars, crayons, superheros, and a possible pillow fight. i believe it's going to be a good day.

What have i done?

well who knows what this is going to be. it could be my latest obsession, sorry facebook. or it could be a last thought, never to go past this little rant. who knows. only time will tell.
this is created with cattle prodding from my caring husband. he suggested i needed an outlet for my emotions and sanity. he knows that dealing with one big and two little stephens boys is not for the faint of heart and if emotions are not let out then one might spontaneously combust. (wait! maybe that's why my lung collapsed!)
so here it is. my life, if anyone cares. let the documented chasing begin.........